Dear Oversized Featherless Hen who lives in the big house,
Red, Etza, Lucy, Frizzle and me (Ethel) have decided, with much regret, that we are left with little choice but to go on strike. Yes, that's right, strike.
Henceforth, we will not lay any eggs until such time as you comply by providing the items listed below:
A proper roost, preferably one equipped with both heating and cooling. The rough wooden poles you put up are woefully inadequate. Could you possibly wrap them with a soft cloth? A woven cotton blend would be nice.
More nesting boxes. Red has become quite broody and will sit on those eggs all day long, while the rest of us stand about shaking our tail feathers, waiting. We've tried to tell her that without a rooster, the eggs will never form into the chicks she so desperately wants. But she just sighs and says she can't help herself.
Which brings us to our third request; we'd like a rooster! We're dying out here, and quite frankly, I don't like the way Lucy has been eyeing me lately. I mean she is very pretty and all. . .
We'd like access to the shiny green bugs. Have you ever tried one? They're delicious! But ever since you put up those funny-looking bags, the silly bugs climb in and they can't get out. How are we supposed to eat them if we can't reach them? Perhaps if you lowered the bags, we could eat them right from the bag.
Wood chips instead of straw in our coop. Red actually requested this one, as she swears she is allergic to straw. Plus, it is rather scratchy on our feet. Wood chips sound quite cozy. Better yet, carpeting, something like a sculpted Berber in soft earth tones.
Stop giving our eggs to the dogs. We don't like them and don't understand why they should enjoy the fruits of our hard labor.
A few more of these comfortable webbed roosts would be nice. Much easier on the feet than the wooden poles.
One or two more boys to play with. We really like the one that comes and feeds us every morning, but Ethel always gets to him first. She thinks she's so special sitting on his shoulder, higher than anyone else. She's not the top hen! Red finds it especially annoying, since she is supposed to be the top hen.
Finally, we'd like to take a vacation; to the ocean, perhaps. Frizzle is obsessed with seeing a sea gull, so much so that she dreams of diving into the water and catching a fish. Of course, she's diving off the roost and landing on her head, but that doesn't stop her from having the dream night after night and waking everyone.
We feel these requests are quite reasonable, given all the fresh eggs we supply day in and day out.
You have three days to comply.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
The hens; Red, Etza, Frizzle, Lucy and Ethel
Photos: © 2006, L. Thomas
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